An open letter to…retail

…retail

I have decided that Another Retail Christmas will be closing its doors after this post. There is something quite poignant about wrapping up my retail career and my blog about despising it, at the same time.

It has taken 150 posts (yay…cracked a milestone), and three months...to the day (another milestone!), but I have gotten there.

What’s in a break? Farewell Food #4

The final stop on my farewell tour was also one of my most guilty pleasures.

KFC.

In my opinion, there is no greater joy in life than a hung-over trip to KFC to ‘do the Dew’ as my friend (and graphic designer) Kim and I enjoyed doing on our weekends together.

Being 24: Getting a haircut…from a professional

I was right, being 24 helped me start my career.

Life begins at 24, not 40.

Now that I have gotten my start, I have decided that I need to start doing things a bit more professionally.

Heard on the Selling Floor

Being a flippant sales assistant is fun. Very fun.

Over the course of the last two weeks as I’ve been counting down to my final day, which is now TOMORROW, I have been less and less patient with the jerk customers.

In the last few days, I have even lost my patience with the nice ones.

RDOs Amigos: My final mid-week RDO. It All Ends.

I never thought it would happen, but I think I am actually getting nostalgic for the last decade of which I have, on and off, worked in retail.

It isn’t all because of retail, however.

Today was my final mid-week RDO.

Bargain Bin Bonanza: The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust by David Bowie

In the final post in my Bowie appreciation series I thought it appropriate to look at his 1972 opus, The Rise and Fall of Ziggy Stardust and The Spiders from Mars…which I am just going to call Ziggy Stardust, as it is most commonly referred to anyway, because I am lazy.

Ziggy Stardust tells the story of a human/alien being that is trying to give earth hope after it is announced there is only five years left of existence, as there are no more resources.

To me, it is quite possibly the most intricate, thought out and creative albums ever made. The theatricality of it all is perfect and helps build the narrative of Ziggy, which is awesome.

Spotted on the Selling Floor: Ray Liotta

In my time in retail I have been witness to the shopping exploits of the who’s that of the Australian social and entertainment scenes.

I have also been a witness to a myriad of my career crushes.

The cherry on my star-spotting cake, until today, sadly was Britney Spears.

Shop Boy’s Journey of Culinary Expansion: Cob Dip

Now I understand that the premise behind this column is to expand my culinary horizons.

Cob Dip probably isn’t the most culinary of dishes, however I have not made one before and as such, making one constitutes me expanding on my current culinary skill set.

To aid in warming our new house, I decided that being winter it was appropriate, and necessary, for us to serve up a cob dip and whilst the dip is cold, it truly warms the cockles of your soul.

Heard on the Selling Floor

Another day, another chance for revenge against idiot customers.

In the early stages of the blog, I wrote about my disgust of the one worded question.

Today, I was simply asked a question with a solitary letter. Needless to say, I was filled with rage.

What’s in a break? Farewell Food #3

Today I decided it was time to farewell Torts.

My trip today, however was sadly lacking its heart. I was missing my usual companion Hannah.

You see, Hannah was the one who first introduced me to Torts; she is also the one that hired me for my current position…and is now one of my closest friends.

Heard on the Selling Floor

Since resigning, I have decided to dignify stupid questions with stupid responses.

It makes me smile.

That, and I finally have the opportunity to get revenge on the rude, idiotic customers that I’ve dealt with during my torturous time in retail and I have to take the opportunity while I still can.

What’s in a break? Farewell Food #2

In the second entry in my CBD fast-food farewell, I decided to visit Oporto and Michel’s Patisserie to celebrate my entertainingly, fun-lovingly abusive friendship with Marcela.

She is Colombian, I studied Spanish for three years, and together we swore like troopers and attacked each other’s ethnicity out of love.

I assure you, it was out of love.

Shop Boy’s Journey of Culinary Expansion: Bender’s Beef Burgers

I love burgers.

I mean, I REALLY love burgers.

There is just something fantastic about picking up a burger with your hands and eating it while juices from the meat and the sauce mingle together and drip off to form a glorious pool on your plate for dipping chips into…as you have to have chips with burgers.

Spotted on the Selling Floor: Kay McGrath

It is quite clear that I am a journalism nerd.

I am easily excited, and in turn panicked, by seeing writers, anchors and reporters or columnists on the shop floor.

On Wednesday, however, I managed to serve one…stay conscious AND string together a coherent sentence.

RDOs Amigos: Chasing the Fuel Gauge

I don’t know what it is, but I’m useless at filling up our car.

I mean, on paper it makes sense that I’d forget; we drive the car to do groceries, and drive to visit family on either coast so it gets used about twice a week...that’s about it.

It surprises me however, as I love the smell of petrol and I would assume that there would be an overwhelming message sent from my brain telling me I have to fill up the car if for no other reason that to smell the good old petroleum distillate.

Heard on the Selling Floor

I didn’t realise that I could care any less about retail than I did, but since resigning the flippant side of me has gone a bit feral…and I have to say, that I am absolutely loving it.

A mother / daughter duo came shopping today and were trying to find something for a son / brother…or the girls boyfriend.

I don’t know, nor do I care in the slightest.

What’s in a break? Farewell Food #1

I went for a meeting with my new boss a few days ago at the coffee shop in the bottom of my new building to discuss my position.

It was very exciting and filled me with much joy.

On leaving the meeting, I walked home slowly wearing my sepia-toned sunglasses and listened to Sarah Blasko. My go to nostalgia duo.

Bargain Bin Bonanza: Diamond Dogs by David Bowie

Welcome back to part two in my Bowie appreciation series.

Again…how I didn’t own any of his complete albums puzzles me, but I am proud to say I have rectified that grave mistake.

This week, we take a look at Bowie’s 1974 album, and glam rock farewell, Diamond Dogs.

An open letter to...my readers

…my readers

To my dearest readers,

It is with the greatest of joy, that I officially announce my retail resignation.

Spotted on the Selling Floor: Anthony Warlow

All too often I see my heroes on the shop floor…and proceed to either embarrass myself or hyperventilate.

For someone who spent four years at uni studying to essentially talk to people, this could be viewed as a bit of an issue.

It is refreshing, and makes me feel like less of a failure, to see that other people get nervous when their heroes grace the shop floor.

Shop Boy's Journey of Culinary Expansion: Crumbed Camembert

As I explained earlier, we had our first set of guests in our new house yesterday and as such we wanted to do something exciting to celebrate.

The question of what food to serve quickly became a hot button issue in the house. We had agreed on a little bit of fat hour, some pizzas for dinner and a white chocolate mousse for dessert; however what was to constitute fat hour was our main issue.

We decided that we couldn’t have anything to heavy or rich, as our dinner and dessert would be kind of heavy, so the obvious choice, clearly, was to crumb some Camembert.

Heard on the Selling Floor

I think some people don’t get out much, so when they do get to mingle with the general public, they are socially awkward.

That, or they are just straight up weird.

Last Friday night a son came shopping with his parents.

Culture Club: Orphans (Queensland Theatre Company)

I once again delved into the upper echelon culture club and attended a closing night performance of the Queensland Theatre Company’s Orphans.

Orphans, the second play in the company’s inaugural Studio Season, once again lived up to the motto of being theatre that would challenge you.

It was a play that I struggled to watch.

RDOs Amigos: Unpacking the last box

Since moving out of home, I have never, ever completely unpacked my belongings into a new place.

I don’t know why it is, but there always seems to be one box that I just can’t see the point of unpacking.

I think it is because I’m a hoarder and can’t bear to throw things away but can’t see the point of using them either so they remain packed awaiting their next home.

Customer Service Complaints: People who take calls while being served

I have an issue with mobile phones.

Well actually I have an issue with talking on phones in general, but that is another story for another time.

I don’t like when people take calls in restaurants, I don’t like when people take calls on public transport and I sure as hell don’t like when people take phone calls while I am serving them.

If I can’t be a journo I…should become a Tambourine Man

Let me explain, I am not talking about the Bob Dylan image of the tambourine man.

Why?

I’m not very good at following orders…or listening to requests (fight the power). Needless to say people following my tambourine and I around, asking us to play a song for them is not very high on my bucket list (I can’t speak for my tambourine at this time).

Store Soundtrack Review: Islands in the Stream

I haven’t been subtle about my love for Dolly Parton.

I enjoy working 9 to 5, always loving people and admiring flowing locks of auburn hair…all thanks to Dolly.

Above all other things Dolly, I love the peace unknown that comes from her doing duets with Kenny Rogers.

Shop Boy's Journey of Culinary Expansion: Footy Inspired Burger Mystery Box

It has become a tradition that each State of Origin game, my partner and I celebrate by having copious amounts of beer and eating different footy food.

Through the course of the series we work through a combination of meat pies, hot dogs, pizza and burgers, however with last night being the decider we thought we needed to up the anti a bit.

But how do you up the anti on footy food?

What's in a break? Torts

Growing up in a small town, away from the Brisbane City I had never seen the shop Torts until it was introduced to me by my friend Hannah about a year ago.

Torts is a take-away food chain that freshly makes tortilla wraps and nachos while you watch and wait. It is delicious food…and there is a something exciting about watching your food be cooked right in front of you.

They also make chips. I am greatly saddened by the fact that there were 23 years where Torts’ chips were not in my life. Very saddened.

Bargain Bin Bonanza: Aladdin Sane by David Bowie

After the wedding I went to a couple of weeks ago, which was home to the greatest soundtrack of all time, I came to the horrific (and embarrassing) realisation that I didn’t own any Bowie albums.

To rectify this travesty, I went into JB on my first break after the wedding and bought three of Bowie’s best. All of which were priced at a cheeky $9.99.

Today is the first of three of my ‘I love Bowie and why the hell didn’t I own any of his albums earlier’ posts, beginning with the 1973 album Aladdin Sane.

Shop Boy Explains…why “what are you doing now” are the five worst words for a graduate to hear

…why “what are you doing now” are the five worst words for a graduate to hear

“So…what are you doing now?”

Is there any worse of a sentence?

Customer Service Complaints: Loitering Customers

I have never made it a secret that customers often do my head in.

They don’t know what they want, grunt out one word and expect me to know it’s a question and a lot of the times are simply just rude.

Nothing annoys me more, however, than idiots who come into the store and instead of shopping, just loiter in your section having a mothers club with their friends.

Shop Boy Explains…why I want to marry my Dyson

…why I want to marry my Dyson

A few weekends ago, when we began moving into our new place, we realised that we would soon be without a vacuum.

This was an unsettling realisation.

RDOs Amigos: Breakfast Beers

There is nothing more devilish, and delightful than a boozy brunch.

This morning I had breakfast with two of my good friends before making a trip down the coast to hang with my nephew.

He is still the cutest baby in the world…who today I learnt has a healthily functioning bowel, which, as strange as it sounds, makes me extremely proud of him. Let’s be honest but, he could do anything and I would still believe it to be the cutest thing in the world.

Shop Boy Explains…why I gotta cut loose

…why I gotta cut loose

Footloose.

Yes my friends, I am about to kick off my Sunday shoes.

Spotted on the Selling Floor: Zoe Foster

Working in an inner-city department store we are lucky enough to be home to launches and special events.

Today the selling floor was abuzz with one such an event.

Let me take you back. Picture it, lunchtime, today. One of my co-workers approached me after coming back from the level below us and mentioned a hive of activity on the ground floor and, knowing I talk to a lot of people, he thought I would know what was going on.

Customer Service Complaints: Clueless Customers

Our job, as sales assistants, is to help customers find what they want…and to highlight things that would compliment that product in a manner in which they feel compelled to buy more than they were shopping for.

This is pretty simple to understand, for customers and retail employees alike.

There is nothing worse however, than getting a customer who has no freaking idea what it is they are shopping for BUT instead of telling you they are browsing, require your assistance finding that unknown entity to fill the void that they have in their soul.

Heard on the Selling Floor

I just don’t get customer logic.

A lady and her son came into my section today and were looking at suits.

“Are these ones reduced?” she inquired about our new range of suiting on the back-wall.

RDOs Amigos: Wishing I Was There

Good evening.

It has recently come to my attention that like Natalie Imbruglia before me, I am accident-prone.

You must understand I’m accident-prone.

Bargain Bin Bonanza: Infinite Arms by Band of Horses

A friend of mine first got me on to Band of Horses a few years back (and they were played on The O.C.).

They were playing the festival circuit, and being as it was at the prime of festival ambience, I was still attending music festivals. (They have all sold out and attract the wrong types of people now…but that is a rant for another time).

Band of Horses were playing at a few of the festivals we were attending and one of my friends told me they were awesome and that we had to go see them. Being that there were no clashes on the timetables, I agreed.

Spotted on the Selling Floor: Bernard Curry

As I explained earlier, coming back from leave is always difficult and as such, I am generally quite grumpy for the first week or two back on the job.

This morning I was huffily walking around my section tidying up the six days of mess, no doubt scowling at anyone who walked within ten metres of me.

One of the unfortunate people that entered my section in the early hours of this morning was Bernard Curry.

Shop Boy Explains…why coming back from leave is torture

…why coming back from leave is torture

I have just gone back to work after six days off for moving / a wedding and can easily say that there is nothing worse, in the entire world, than your first day back at work.

It is absolute hell.

Shop Boy's Journey of Culinary Expansion: Chicken Pie

Anyone who knows me, know that I am a massive fan of baked goods. Sweet or savoury, I really don’t mind either way.

My favourite baked good would quite easily be the humble meat pie. Call me what you will, but to me, nothing beats a good old meat pie.

As much as I love pies, I have never been brave enough to attempt one at home. Each recipe is vastly different and after meandering through 20-odd cookbooks you begin to question the very foundations of what a meat pie really is and end up in the frozen food section of Woolies buy a 6 pack of pies.

Heard on the Selling Floor

Some people are just not good at human interaction.

A customer walked into my section.

“Hi! How are you?”

RDOs Amigos: Weddings

I love weddings.

I don’t know if it’s the fact that there are copious amounts of liquor, an abundance of desserts or the fact that two people are declaring their love for each other, but I just can’t get enough of them.

In the last two years I have happily attended five weddings, have MC-ed two and am now excitedly awaiting my partner’s brother’s wedding and my sister’s wedding later in the year.

How to...navigate a dress code

…navigate a dress code

There seems to be nothing more confusing than a dress code.

I don’t understand what it is; each one has a clear definition of what it entails. Yet at every occasion I go to that has a dress code, there seems to be somebody that clearly didn’t read the invite.

Spotted on the Selling Floor: Sylvia Jeffreys

After seeing Liz a few weeks ago I wrote that I was more inspired than ever to get a journo job.

I then went through a period of becoming an uncle, house hunting and moving and became very lazy and distracted.

This stops here. I am back. (Sorry if that’s a bad thing). I have been re-inspired by another shop floor visit by a successful friend.

Bargain Bin Bonanza: Far by Regina Spektor

I love Regina Spektor.

She is the perfect blend of kook, heartfelt and fun…which is the combination of traits I aspire to be made up of.

To celebrate my new life goal I thought it only appropriate to review one of her albums. That and it was the third CD that I bought in my 3 for $20 deal at JB a while back.

Being 24: Bigger Than Bieber

When last we met, I decided that acting like a child with ADD was a good option to bust myself out of retail, however sadly there is one thing I didn’t think about.

Getting in touch with editors personally is hard…very hard.

Yes, we are still on the Helen McCabe bandwagon.

Shop Boy's Journey of Culinary Expansion: Pumpkin Pie

My pop (aka grandfather) likes to keep busy. Some would describe him as being unable to sit still.

Despite this little fact, he is retired.

Now, when most people think of retirement they automatically think of relaxing, maybe some travelling, or doing things that they have always dreamt about, but never gotten around to.

Customer Service Complaints: Peep Shows

Majority of men, myself included, despise shopping.

Each day I am met with annoyed women who don’t know their husband, boyfriend or brother’s size and just wish the respective men in their lives would get into the shops and buy their own clothes.

Then there are the men who go shopping for themselves, grudgingly, and will try and make the trip as quick as possible. This generally involves them agreeing with everything you show them and leaving without trying anything on (which generally wastes more of their time when they have to come back…but that is another story).

Heard on the Selling Floor

Sometimes what I hear needs no introduction…

“I can’t believe she can’t tell he’s gay!”

“Oh, come on! She can’t even tell that she is menopausal.”

Wow…just WOW.