I’m going to warn you, today’s post may insight some rage amongst the animal loving or members of the RSPCA, however let me assure you…no animals were harmed in the making of this post.
But it was not because I didn’t want to…I was fearful of revenge.
I touched on my bird phobia three weeks ago when I was taken on a mother’s day picnic; well I took my mother on the picnic but due to the large bird population in the area I am not willing to claim ownership of the decision. Anyway, today I had another encounter with the animala aves aka my nemesis.
Today, while visiting my family the decision was made to have fish and chips in the park. Immediately, alarm bells rang. Fish and chips are like burley for seagulls, birds and fill me with terror.
“Um…can we not go to a park? I don’t know if I made it clear enough how much birdlife freaks me out.”
I was assured that while we were going to the same park, next to a boat harbour (i.e. Seagull Turf), we would sit in an area that birds would not bother us. I didn’t believe this statement, but was hopeful of a miracle.
Ten minutes later we had ordered and were waiting on the deck outside the fish and chippery when my first encounter with the birds occurred. A pesky seagull that was standing on the table behind me while a woman was eating.
I will interject here that while I hate and fear birds, idiots that feed birds there scraps or don’t shoo them away fill me with rage and make me want to punch them similar to a stupid question from a customer would.
Anyway, this woman was nonchalant about the whole experience with the bird. She wasn’t as nonchalant when I started clapping in her general direction trying to scare the bird away.
My next encounter with a bird came five minutes later when an ibis was flying at my sister-in-law’s head…I had hit my limit and my truck mouth began to hit it’s straps.
“Shit-balls-cunny-fuck.”
It was at this point I decided to go buy a drink from inside the store…where birds could not get to me. While waiting in line to buy my drink, I got angry. The birds had gone to far and after 21-years of terror I decided to fight aggression with aggression.
This lunch was not going to end prettily.
Our order arrived and we walked over to a quiet, open seated area near the water where my Mum assured me that no birds would bother me…she clearly didn’t see the 17 seagulls milling about in the trees waiting for the first package to be opened.
As soon as the smell of oil, potato and salt hit the air the birds pounced and we were surrounded by at least 350 birds (may be an exaggeration…a slight exaggeration). It was at this point that I decided, to hell with looking sane, these little fuckers were going to pay.
I ran, I clapped, I shouted, I swore, I flicked my thong at one…nothing was working. My family suggested I sit down and relax, clearly underestimating the years of pent up rage and fear I have for the winged creatures.
Eventually I was coaxed into sitting down to eat something but the fear held me so tightly that I couldn’t take my eyes off the flying rats. I realised my plot to make them fear me was far too kind and that the kind of torment that magpie put me through all those years ago was the kind of emotion I needed to fill them with.
Living near the beach, those small rock size knobbly things from palm trees are very easy to come by…very easy. With my weapon chosen, I was feeling confident and I was up and away. Now the plan was simply, don’t actually hit the birds, that would just be cruel and disgusting, but throw them closely enough to them that they feel like a magpie is swooping past their heads trying to eat out their eyes.
This plan worked…for a while. After the first five or six throws the flock of seagulls disbanded (not the band), and I was extremely happy. That was until an idiot in the neighbouring group of people decided to throw their leftover chips on the ground, which ruined all my hard work and made me desperately want to start throwing sticks at her.
I didn’t.
Ten minutes later, and with ten years wiped off my life expectancy, we decided to leave and I pleaded that next time I was home we don’t go to any parks…or any place that might house a bird of some description.
I think they agreed…I didn’t actually listen as my ears were still gripped with fear.
Oh, may I just add that I like Owls. They seem keep to themselves and are smart, so technically I don’t hate all birds and am a monster.
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