Customer Service Complaints: Mr. Cellophane

As I’ve detailed throughout the last few weeks, I hate a lot of things about working in retail. None of them compare, however, to the retail rage I feel when customers ignore me. At least once a day I have my greeting ignored by a customer.

I just don’t get it.

Don’t they realise that I am paid to be standing in the section and they are not? If anyone should be doing the ignoring, it should be me…you’re on my turf!

In exploring this issue I thought it best to run you through the techniques that customers employee in ignoring me. The first I like to call the “I have hearing problems”. This customer generally has a look of being very busy and focused. Their eyes are typically darting all over the shop, except for where I am standing. I find the best way to deal with this customer is persistence. I follow them around and keep saying “Hi” until they acknowledge my existence (they are on my turf, remember). They don’t like being pushed into conversation and normally spit back an “I’m just looking”. My response?

“Oh, I know…I’m just trying to say hello. It’s kind of my job.” I then walk away.

The second customer is the headphone shopper; they are obvious in the fact that they don’t want to be spoken to. I call that a challenge. These people are very relaxed, they think their music gives them “safety” from assistance; however still try to avoid eye contact. These customers are best dealt with in the way you would talk to your Grandmother who’s hearing is on the decline…get up really close to their ears and greet them at a volume that is just awkward. They general respond and exit swiftly after.

My penultimate customer type is the straight-up jerk. This customer typically looks at you when you say hi, looks you up and down and goes back to looking through clothes. They generally seem to have a lot of pent up rage and feel it is appropriate to take it out on the clothes and the person that is doing their job. These people are best dealt with by following them around the section tidying everything they touch as soon as they put it down; I enjoy putting in a few groans for good measure and treat them with the upmost contempt.

Our final specimen is the self-important douche. This customer walks into your section, head up, looking down their nose not looking at you. Not because you are trying to talk to them, because they are better than you. This is my favourite type of customer to mess with.

“Hi, how you going?”

Silence. I walk a bit closer.

“HI, how you going?”

They remain silent but begin to become more forceful with their hanger movement.

“HI…HOW ARE YOU?”

Silence.

“Sweet!”

At that simple word, they seem to think they have won; they’ve gotten rid of the person that is paid to stand in the section they just entered. This type of customer has an Achilles heel and this heel is where they make me giddily happy. They feel like the shopkeeper that is so far beneath them owes them service.

This customer usually approaches you after five minutes of ignoring you and simply states, “I need a size.”

To this I reply, “Sweet, you can go find someone you haven’t been blatantly ignoring.”

I then turn my back and walk back to what I was doing. This simple act makes me so happy. Not only because I get my revenge but because they usually feel so guilty they spend a lot of money and I don’t have to pretend they are the greatest person in the world while I serve them.

To wrap up this rant let me simply reiterate that sales assistants are paid to be in the shops, you as customers are not. If you are going to walk into their store at least have the decency to acknowledge them when they do their jobs and greet you. If not…prepare for a revolt.

Our day will come…our day WILL come.