An open letter to...clearance customers

Dear clearance customers,

Let me open by simply saying, I hate you. My parents always taught me that that I should never use that word…it’s too strong, you don’t mean that, you just dislike. Well sorry to contradict your teaching my dear parents, but hate is the best possible word for use in this circumstance and the only one that will suffice. I suppose loathe or despise would also be appropriate but I have digressed. The point is, clearance shoppers, you all suck.

I hate the way you ignore me when I greet you. This annoys me to no end and sadly this isn’t just a sale time special, you seem to do it all throughout the year…however I believe you, clearance shoppers, are more likely to participate in this behaviour. Each day shop assistants are paid to greet the customer, generally people respond with a return greeting or another of my favourites, “I’m just looking”, which makes me want to scream at them “I was just asking how you were you idiot”. I am most annoyed by simply being ignored.

“Hi, how are you going today?”

Silence.

Hear is an idea, I am paid to be in the shop, you are not. So if you plan on ignoring me when I do my job and greet you, just get the hell out.

I hate the way you seem to think assuming something is on sale will make me feel obliged to give you a discount. If I had five cents for every time you have walked up and told me that I’ve missed something in the markdowns I would be rich enough to not work in retail. Turns out I have the list of reduced stock, not you dear customer, so when it doesn’t have a markdown sticker on it there is a good reason for that…it isn’t on sale you fool.

I hate the way you simply sale discount and expect more money off. Discount…discount…discount. Here is an idea, structure your question into a sentence and we can talk. I will then explain that it is already on sale and that that is the discount. I think people believe we come from a culture where bartering in a major department store is accepted and appropriate; I will give you this advice for free…it is not.

I hate the way you ask for “new ones”. Let me first begin by explaining to you that nothing we sell is second hand meaning everything in the store is new. I understand however, that you are asking for something that hasn’t been on the floor before. In general if something is on sale, it is because it hasn’t sold. It has been on the selling floor for months and not sold, meaning it has been unpacked, all put on the floor and not sold. There are no new ones out the back…we want to put all the reduced stock on the floor to get rid of it as quickly as possible. No NEW ONE.

I hate the way you ask if it is less for cash. I work in clothing retail, not at The Good Guys. Why would it be less for cash? If you ask me this, please don’t be offended when I respond by asking you who the hell, other than my grandfather, carries cash? Do you honestly think that buying a $10 t-shirt with cash really warrants getting $2 off? If yes, never step foot in my store again.

Yours sincerely,

Shop Boy